broken revelation: ask me about brooding for fun and profit

what a week. what a month.

I don't even know what the hell's going on. just as soon as I start to think like I might ... ugh ... I dunno. hard not to be vague, here, since I'm not even entirely sure what's been happening.
the cedora thing was suddenly going somewhere again, and then, somewhere between this new confidence and the usual monthly dose of stacy (which I'd somehow managed to forget about, but looking back it's fairly regular) poking at me from just over the horizon -- but no, I certainly can't so much as make eye contact with her, because her parents will rip her throat out -- I got swallowed up by self-doubt again, and now it's not going anywhere anymore. it's really kind of funny.
the past week, though, has been the roughest. steve tells me a few days ago that stacy told him to say hi to me. I keep thinking I'm making a bigger deal out of that than it should be, and maybe I am, but I dunno, after being told repeatedly and emphatically over the last few months to not so much as think of trying to contact this girl it seems highly erratic to me that she's telling my brother she said hi like we're just a couple of friends who've been out of touch for a while. and if there's one thing I've decided about stacy, it's that we're anything but friends. I honestly have no idea what we are anymore, or if we're anything at all, but whatever we are, we're not friends. I don't think we can be anymore. I don't think I could force myself to go back to thinking about her in such a ... mundane way. she apparantly also mentioned she'd had a dream regarding me and steve going camping, and although I'd love to, right now I'd rather not speculate on just what the hell it may mean that she's having dreams about me or my family. I will say, though, that I find it reassuring in some odd way. of course, I always find it reassuring to hear that I'm thought of in any capacity. I think it's an immortality thing.
but anyway, the kicker for me was this last friday. cedora giddily dragged me out of my house to go down to the shop with her, and I was, of course, rather dejected once I got there. the place doesn't sit well with me, mostly due to an event back in late january. or maybe it was early february. hell, could've been march.
in any case, it was a little while after stacy had recieved word from her parents that we couldn't see each other anymore, and her resilience on the matter -- which was rather limited, but that's another story -- was already starting to wane. we were down at the shop helping to paint chairs and things (cedora and kristina were actually there that day, I hear, but I didn't know them yet and therefore do not recall), and stacy was acting rather troubled and depressed. I pulled her aside to sit with me in the booth or something. I don't remember exactly. but we ended up there, listening to music. she put on dark side of the moon, since I'd never heard the album before, and we just sort of sat there listening to it. by the time brain damage was halfway through she was crying her eyes out into my shoulder. I just sort of rocked her back and forth until she calmed down a little. when she did, she carved the initials:
SS
+
JC
into the wall, up there in the booth. I don't remember if she said anything, or if I did. all I remember is that and the music.

kristina, believing she was acting in my best interest, scratched those initials out of the wall on friday, and all the pain and heartbreak I've felt this year suddenly came flooding back to me. that little carving on the wall represented, for better or for worse, the only time in my life that ever truely meant anything. it was a part of me, as precious as the memories themselves. I walked out of the shop, right then and there, without saying a word to anyone. I passed stacy's house on the way back, too; I saw her house in person for the first time since january. I didn't look directly at it, though. merely observed out of the corner of my eye that it was still there. I think her dad may have been working in the garage; I know somebody saw me. it made me smile, just a little.

meanwhile, cedora was sitting on a tire outside the shop, peering down eighth street and wondering if I was going to come back. she didn't know I'd left. she didn't say so, but I'm sure it hurt her feelings for me to just take off like that. we talked a little sunday night, admitted mutual confusion as to our feelings for one another. I don't think it'll go anywhere; I don't think I would be acting fairly if I let it. cedora's a good friend -- and I am grateful for that -- but I'm not sure she should be anything more, for the time being.

Level

Score

Purgatory (Repenting Believers)

Very High

Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)

High

Level 2 (Lustful)

Moderate

Level 3 (Gluttonous)

Low

Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)

Low

Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)

Low

Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)

Very Low

Level 7 (Violent)

Moderate

Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)

Moderate

Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)

Very Low